I would like to take this time to thank the random people who stubble upon this blog on occasion so I have more than zero views. I'm sure not a single person has ever read anything I have written on here, though. But I can pretend that all you random people read it and are just afraid to comment.
How sad is it when you have asked five of your friends to read your blog multiple times and not a single one has done it one time? These are my closest, best friends. People I would do anything for. And they won't even take ten minutes out of their lives to read a few things I wrote. That kind of thing does wonders for a person's self-esteem. Especially for someone who already hates himself and just wants one person in the fucking world to make him feel loved. Then I always get "I'm busy, but I'll totally read it later!" when in reality they are not busy at all. No one is as busy as they say they are. And I've never been too busy to do a small favor like that for a friend. I've listened to bands people asked me to, I've watched videos, I've listened to them. I always do those things for the people I love, because that's what you're supposed to do.
I have always struggled with love mistrust. I never trust that anyone loves me. It seems to me that I've been correct basically every time. I knew Jessi would cut contact after she left this job and I was obviously correct. She no longer replies to my messages or contacts me. It really sucks going from talking to someone every single day and pouring your hearts out to each other and always being there to pick each other up to suddenly not even knowing if they are alive. I've lost almost every best friend I've ever had. I'm not going to count Zack because he is my brother and he's the one person I feel like I never have to worry about. Everyone else has either moved away or just decided they no longer enjoy my company. Nikki, Jenna, Sarah, and Jodi all decided to just not contact me anymore, or let me know they no longer wanted to contact me. Jodi and I are fine now, but I can almost guarantee she will leave again at some point. I'll do something to drive her off again and I'll be left without a best friend yet again.
When I talked to Sarah about my lack of trust for everyone she wondered if I tend to trust people too early, before they earn it. But what about the people I've known for years, the people who've been given multiple chances to prove loyalty, who just destroy me in the end? Why do I remain loyal to my friends when they don't to me? I don't think I will any longer. I think I might start focusing on only myself and stop caring about others. I'm sick of putting myself out there for my friends and getting stomped on. I'm just the receptacle. They spit all their problems at me, don't listen to any advice I give, do the opposite of what they should, and leave me sitting there with all their problems on top of mine, and I just continue to get compacted down into a tiny cube. People just take advantage of me and I've never been able to stop it. If anyone shows some sort of interest in me, I'll most likely be friends with them and try to help them any way I can. I never get the same in return. It's like someone thinks "you know, I could use someone as a backup just in case all my real friends are busy" and then one of their friends tells them about me. So they come use me for a few months or years then find someone else and just wander on. I have no clout in my friendships and I'm thinking maybe I should put an end to that. This will probably end up with me having literally NO friends, but maybe I will find new ones some day.
More likely, I'll just die alone.
"People say friends don't destroy one another. What do they know about friends?"
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