Flower Bomb

I'm staring at the screen trying to figure out what to write, because I know I want to write and let things out but I don't really know what to say. I might just write sort of stream of consciousness mumblings. I hate when Chrome underlines words as if they're not words. You're not the judge of words, Google. Bob Dylan is.

After five months of being single, I have some news: it is starting to suck even worse than it did at the beginning. Literally none of my friends have a clue what it's like to be depressingly single. I don't know what's going on with Zack and Jillian so I'm not even going to go there. Meg is my only other single friend and she is one of those people who want to be single and date casually and meet new people and so on. I'm a relationship person. I need to get to know someone a little before I decide to go on a date with them. You can see previous posts to find other reasons I can't just go out and meet people to date. All my other friends are in relationships and they don't get it. "You'll find someone soon." But I don't believe that to be true.

Five months and nothing. I tried online dating and I can't get a girl to continue talking to me. I had plans set up for a date with a girl until I tried to firm up these plans on the day of. That's when she decided she didn't want to date me so she just stop responding. I found another girl who was looking for basically me. All the things she was looking for in a guy were qualities I have, which really freaked me out because who would want this. We had basically everything in common, and we talked for about two days. Then while we were in the middle of a conversation she decided she was done so just stopped responding.

What is it about me that drives girls away so easily, even when they've never actually met me? I had girl friends helping me with what to say to these girls so I wouldn't be negative or talk about myself all the time or say anything stupid. I know I'm not that attractive but my girlfriend left me for a guy with long, straight, blonde hair and a goatee who looks exactly like Daryl Hall. Current Daryl Hall. I don't think I'm better-looking than almost anyone, but I know I'm better-looking than him. Also, I can make easy changes to be more attractive. I need new glasses, so I will get some that actually look good on me this time. I can change my hair pretty easily. Right now it just has to grow, then I can get it cut like Roger Sterling or whatever girls like these days. I can do anything with my beard. I can grow it long, shave it off, keep it short and neat, Luke Danes, mutton chops, mustache, chin strap, friendly mutton chops, Adolf Hitler, the possibilities are really endless. Whichever of those will attract respectable, interesting ladies I will do right now. I just need to know which one it is. I think I'm dressing pretty well now. I have a couple pairs of jeans that actually look really good on me. I have some really nice plaid button-up shirts, short- and long-sleeved, that fit me very nicely (thank you, Aeropostle). I have a decent amount of t-shirts that fit alright. I have a nice coat. I have a couple pairs of good shoes. This is where we are hitting some problems. I want more shoes, in different styles, and I don't know what those styles are. I also only have one coat and it's slightly formal and black. This means I can't wear my cowboy boots in the winter because that would mean wearing brown boots with a black coat and I'm not a fucking crazy person. Well I am, but not that kind of crazy person. So I want to get a slightly formal jacket I can wear with brown stuff and I'd like to get a super-warm coat that I can wear with regular clothes so I don't have to always look so damn formal when I get groceries. I'm thinking probably The North Face. Anyway, the point of all this is that I dress decently and I can change the bad things about my cranium. And I'm not very overweight. I have put on a lot of weight in the past few years, but it's not horrible (I still wear medium shirts) and I plan on starting myself on some exercise within the next couple months. I'm being realistic and giving it a couple months instead of pretending I'm starting this next week.

So what is it that drives so many people away from me? I would really like to figure it out so I can work on it, even if it means I have to basically rebuild myself from the ground up. I'm basically at rock bottom right now anyway, so it's the perfect time to sort of reinvent myself. I wish my friends would be honest and tell me exactly what to say and do and what not to say and do so I can meet the right girl and stay with her forever. Part of me still thinks there's a Jenny out there for me, like Mike Birbiglia. I don't believe in marriage anymore and I don't realistically think I'm going to find someone who will change my mind on that. But Mike did, so my brain can't help but hold on to that.